#19 Escape Mechanism

by Josh Vogt

“Found him,” Rachel said, peering through the telescope. “Bastard couldn’t hide forever.”

Bryan glanced up from his beer. “Who? The man in the moon?”

She straightened and adjusted her pink earmuffs. “Idiot. I spotted God. And I was right. He’s a space squid.”

“I’ve . . . either had too much to drink or not enough.”

“God. Is. A. Space. Squid. What part doesn’t make sense?”

Bryan sighed. Date night had begun oddly enough when Rachel lugged her telescope along, chattering about fluxing gravitational tides. “The individual words are okay. All together? Not so much.”

She pointed at the telescope. “Just look.”

“Fine.” He shuffled over and squinted through at the interstellar expanse. “It’s . . . black.”

She snorted. “Duh. God activated his escape mechanism. You’re looking at a galactic ink cloud. Totally explains dark matter and black holes.”

“Totally.”

Her huff plumed white. “You never respect my beliefs.”

“Since when have your beliefs included space squids?”

“I told you I study astronomy to find God in the stars.”

“I thought you were being poetic!”

“You’re so narrow-minded!”

“Seriously?” Bryan reached to the heavens. “Oh, Divine Space Squid! Accept this offering of cheap beer and hear my plea. Free me from this madwoman and I shall forever serve you!”

A writhing column obscured the stars, and Rachel shrieked as a tentacle yanked her into the night.

As Bryan stared, another swooping tentacle snatched the can from his hand.

After time unfroze, he retrieved the pink earmuffs from by his feet.

“I’m guessing this means no more calamari . . .”

Josh Vogt was a finalist in the 2012 Lascaux Flash contest—Ed.

29 comments:

stacy said...

Hilarious! I love it.

Veronica Roland said...

Amen.

King Family said...

Oh my gosh, this is hilarious!! Thanks for the great laugh!

Flutterby said...

Fresh and fast-paced. Love the snap to the dialogue and the humor.

spencersdock said...

Really enjoyed it. A good giggle.

Anonymous said...

Original, totally unexpected. Good one.

Janice D. Soderling said...

Original, totally unexpected. Good one.

conboyhillfiction said...

Very funny!

Shona Snowden said...

Ha! Unexpected black humor. Nice.

Sam Knight said...

This gets better every time I read it!

pegjet said...

I pray I never make a prayer while holding a beer.

Loved this one.

Dean Clayton Edwards said...

"You’re looking at a galactic ink cloud. Totally explains dark matter and black holes.”

I enjoyed this.

Merry Monteleone said...

I've been avoiding commenting while reading through... couldn't pass this one without telling you it's flippin awesome!

Seriously. Loved it.

Tanja said...

So the spaghetti monster does exist!

Edie Melson said...

I'm a huge flash fiction fan and I think this is one of the best I've read in a while!

Sarah Laurenson said...

LOL. Awesome, just plain awesome!

Ed Martinez said...

Really enjoyed this. Made me laugh and story stuck with me. Still funny on second read.

Deb said...

I bet you're fun to drink with. Assuming space squids don't take all of the beer...

Great writing!

Tricia S. said...

Love the humor! Flash is often the best when it's absurd.

Irena Pasvinter said...

Brilliant! Loved the humor. And the dark matter got explained, finally.:)

Sandra Cormier said...

I laughed out loud. Shades of Hitchhiker's Guide. Love it!

David Boop said...

Great twist! This is good stuff! You're writing blows me away everytime!

Mary Martin said...

Hilarious! I love the twist!

Whirlochre said...

Ha!

Margaret said...

Loved it! I'm still laughing! :D

Laura Howe said...

Funny tale. I like the "After time unfroze," line. To think all it took was a cheap beer, oh how many problems could likewise be solved. Still smiling at the space squid tentacles. Thanks for that.

Shirley Golden said...

Quirky, funny, well written & sci-fi. Loved it :)

JRVogt said...

Wow, everyone. Thank you for all these wonderful, encouraging comments! I'm glad it could be entertaining.

Lisa Agosti said...

this story should have won. I love it