by Jennifer Peckinpaugh
I’m a good person who made a bad decision.
The icy water shreds my lungs and I hold my breath, counting to ten, and then twenty, and finally to one hundred before I decide, this is the end. Before this, my life had only felt like drowning—pristine, healthy oxygen substituted with a miserable malcontent stench.
People say you can’t go back, but at this moment, I do return, reliving all the moments even death cannot erase—my parents’ separation, my grandfather’s death, my wedding, the birth of each one of my children, the affair, the divorce, this accidental, bitter ending . . . and I wonder whether a life worth living is worth living comfortably numb?
Slivers of the late winter sunset dive down to me, to the muddy bottom of my soul and I am lifted up into a chrysalis for repent and repair. The lights are bright—polka dots and shooting stars—and I can imagine relaxing at Myrtle Beach again, the fresh sting of a sunburn, the salt air, and an enormous beehive of pink cotton candy.
A cold breeze beats me in the face and I am numb, but more alive than I could ever imagine. Snowflakes drift and spin effortlessly, covering the naked branches of trees and blanketing the grass. I am not the sum of my actions, but the product of what I learn from my experiences.
On a grave, snowy day, I made a decision to live—to truly live.
4 comments:
"I can imagine relaxing at Myrtle Beach again, the fresh sting of sunburn, the salt air, and an enormous beehive of pink cotton candy."
Great imagery. I can picture if perfectly!
I like your use of imagery, it was strong and immediate, but I was left a bit confused by the opening line. What was the mistake? Perhaps it did not matter, but I wasn't sure if the mistake was what led to the current situation, or if it was getting in the current situation. I do like the imagery, though.
Great sensory details here. Wasn't sure where it was going at first, but the vivid images strengthened it.
I would say she was jumping in the water as a suicide and then later changes her mind about the whole thing emerging from the water in a type of rebirth, or baptism to truly start living. However there is the word "accidental" in there that throws me, so maybe not a suicide. I like the ending a lot.
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